My pillar

You are my true north, my pillar of strength, my one true constant.
I don’t know how on earth I would survive without you. You’ve been with me through the birth of our children, death of my father, the death of your father, my favorite uncles, my very favorite brother, the near death then subsuquint death of my mom, the death and the family problems caused by the death of your own brother. Fights with our children, the disconnection and chastisement by our own grown children, the unfair treatment of several family members... everything!
Now, I have friends and classmates that are dying and it scares me to death ( no pun intended!) that you will leave me, unexpectedly! We’ve already had that scare once ( twice if you count me almost leaving you when you had your knee surgery and my gall bladder kicked out a boulder and shut my system down!) and I’m scared, I’m scared of being alone, I’m scared of what will happen to me. I’ll become a hermit or worse, I’ll want to die along side you. Which, to me, is the better option!
After all the years we’ve been together, the sentences we finish, the shared thoughts and dreams... I am no where near ready to lose you! We have so much more to do together! Don’t forget you still owe me a trip to Hawaii! We have to have a chance to live in the home we’ve been building together!
You! You are the one thing in life I can count on and I want to be able to count on you till we are well into our 80’s or 90’s! Please be there for me! I promise I’ll be there for you as long as you want me there by your side!
My love forever

Go with God

Mom finally let go and let God take care of her. I like to think it was my prayer with her that finally allowed her to let go. She said she was afraid to die, so I prayed with her and asked God to take care of her and to not let her be in pain. I reassured mom she was a good mother and that she did a good job raising us, she should be proud of her grown children. Let her know that we would all be alright if she joined our brother and the rest of her family in heaven. She felt at ease after that visit and it was the last time I saw my mom. She asked God to take her that week and he complied! He waited till she was in a deep sleep and carried her soul off to heaven. She never know of our brother, Larrys passing, so we try to imagine her surprise when he greets her at the gates of Heaven!  I thought I was taking it alright, but I keep breaking out in tears. I have a brief thought of running to the nursing home and visiting her or showing her a picture...telling her what happened over the weekend, then the tears flow! I know this too shall pass, but till then, I weep. I weep in sorrow, I weep in joy and I weep for no reason at all. One day the tears will dry up and I'll just have smiles when I think of her! Lord knows she left one heck of a large family behind to carry on her genes!  So, mom... go see Dad, David Lee, the baby you lost at 9 months old that none of us got to know, Larry, your mom and dad and all your 13 brothers and sisters AND their husbands and wives! You're not alone! You have everyone there to take your hand now and we have your memories. With All the love a daughter could have,  Bobbie 

Roller Coaster Ride

We've all been on a ride, at some time in our lives,  that both thrilled us and scared the bejeebers out of us. Marriage is one of those rides! The ups and downs...the fast turns and slow climbs during difficult times. If you can survive the first tough years...I promise you...it does not get any better!! There may be fewer lows and more highs... but it is still work! AND if you are so lucky to make it past 30-40 + years...you would think it would be easier, we'll, guess what? That's about the time retirement happens. In some cases it's a good thing but it also means more time spent together! It's important that you find things you enjoy doing together as well as having much needed 'alone time' or ' girls (boys) night out! If not, the pressure will build up, resentment will set in and you'll be walking on egg shells. I'm there now... the honeymoon phase ( the first few weeks of my husbands retirement) was great! We took a 3 week camping trip across country and thouroughly enjoyed the entire trip! It's been 4 months now and the newness of 24-7 has worn off! So, we are constantly walking on egg shells...on a roller coaster ride... however you want to put it. But we are still very much in love and we will survive! Just as we did the first 40+ years of our marriage...that which doesn't kill us will only make us stronger. And, this too, shall pass... we'll make it, it's just going to take some getting used to and creating a new normal for us. I'm sure there will be more cross words and more make up sex. And hopefully we'll find a balance of together time vs alone time! 

Ghost

I have a ghost in my life. He is like a puff of smoke, but always there when I need him. When I'm down or having a rough time, he's always there with a sympathetic ear or a soft shoulder. He always has the right words.  I don't know why he hangs around but he does. I never see him. I just know he's there.  He knows me much better than I know him. He has read my thoughts and has learned my many moods. I depend on him more than I should, but I feel secure knowing he's there. I hope I don't lose his trust. 

No Way out...

No doors
No windows
No way in
No way out

Sometimes I can close my eyes
And imagine what the sunlight looks like
The sunset
The moon
But more often than not..
Just dark

No voices
Other than those in my head
No smiles
No hugs

It's lonely here
In this dark world
It's lonely here
Day after day

I imagine an end
But I don't know how to get out
Don't know how to find the surface
To see the daylight
The sunset
The moon

It's lonely here
No way in
No way out

100 Years blessed

Mom has pulled through her bad days... well, most of them anyway! She'll have a good day then a couple of bad days in a row, we never know when we go see her if it's a good one or a bad one. We take what we get.  The good with the bad....

Her birthday is in 6 weeks! 100 years old! I know it is something she doesn't care about, it's just for us. And I am perfectly fine if God calls her to rest before her day of birth. The party, the celebration all of it, is for our own benefit. For us to be able to say 'our mother lived to be 100'. we will say it with pride but it is out of selfishness that we wish her to stay with us till that day.  To her, it doesn't matter, she thinks she is already 100! and In my heart she already has already hit the 100 mark! 

Here is to a long blessed life and thank you for raising 7 great kids! We all love you very much Mom! 

Much Love...

Unconditional Love

It is a rare thing for a person to find the ONE person that really loves them UNCONDITIONALLY. Through thick and thin, sickness and health, for richer or poorer... 

I have been lucky in love, I have that special man in my life.  We knew it from our first date. We were meant to be together, forever!  We've had our rough patches, our arguments, spats.... cross words and disagreements. BUT we've had FAR more good times, times that we are so proud of each other and SO much in love! They outweigh the bad, rough times. I feel blessed, lucky, and very loved! 

I've always wished our girls find that same type of love. I hope they have! I want them to always be as happy as we are.

As our girls grew up and moved out, we found our common ground again and became closer than ever before. Just when it seems we can't love each other any more, something sparks a flame and it grows and grows!

It's very important to take care of each others needs and to UNDERSTAND those needs. Emotionally, physically and in every way! When one falls short, the other has to make up the difference, without complaining and without expecting anything in return. That is one of the secrets to a happy LONG marriage.  Unconditional! Faults and all!

I feel safe in this place called LOVE!

Saying goodbye

I sat with mom last evening and let her know that we would be fine...that if this was her time, if God wanted her to come home,  we understood and we would be alright. She held me close and asked if the others knew..(I am the youngest of 7 children. 2 live out of state) I assured her they all did and asked her if she wanted us to have Kahyt and Mike to come home. She shook her head. A few minutes later, she asked me to help her pray, my brother John, was still there and I asked him to lead. He prayed and I whispered into her ear what he said.. she is pretty much totally deaf at this point...her hearing aids do her little good. After John left, my husband and I sat there, quietly, with her for several hours and let her rest. She slept deeply, then woke with a start and asked if 'they knew' and if the Dr was coming. We assured her everything was alright...it was time for her pain and anxiety meds...so we stayed with her till she fell back into slumber. I played some music as she rested...Glenn Miller, Frank Sinatra and Tony Bennett, she used to love  dancing....all the boys wanted to dance with her when she was younger and she and dad used to go dancing a lot too. I wish I had known her back then! I have only heard stories and I try to remind her of them so she can be in a happier place while she is in pain.  Now, this part is important....she was on the brink of death a year ago...we told her our goodbyes then too. We really did not think she was going to wake up.  But after several hard months, she pulled through. And that wasn't the first time...winter has always been hard on her since dad died. But she always snaps back. Going into it this time though, she was so weak, I'm not sure she has the strength to pull out, or the will?  All I can say, is I'm trying to let her know, that if it IS her time...we are ok. We'll be ok. She can go see the baby she lost when he was 5 months old, she can go be with dad and our brother that passed last April.  Other than doing what I am doing, I have no idea what else I should be doing. I've prayed, I cried my tears out a year ago, I don't have any left right now.  I'm sure I will when the time comes.  Till then, I pray some more, I hold her hand and assure her it's ok and I play some Glenn Miller for her.  Love you Mom 💞

Who am I?

I am, as my title suggests, a wife, a mother/grandmother and a daughter. I am also a sister, sister-in-law, mother-in-law, daughter-in-law, aunt, niece, cousin, neighbor and friend. However, I don't feel like I've done a very good job of any of these. its a long story, that's why I've chosen to blog about it.

This feeling didn't just start yesterday....as our girls were growing up  I thought I was doing a good job, doing the right thing by staying home with them and not sending them to day care. But in doing that, I short changed them of monetary things they think they should have been exposed to as kids.

As a wife, I didn't add to our household income, so now that it's time for my much better half to retire, I've not done much to make our financial status any stronger. I've had several part time jobs and owned several businesses but since I was able to use tax write offs, I've not even got all my points to benefit from social security. The plan is for me to get a job now to make up for that deficit however, I've been sick more than not this past year and a half, so that has been time wasted that I was supposed to be drawing a paycheck.

I don't get the chance to be the grandmother I really want to be...the oldest ones are teenagers and don't want anything to do with either of us, the middle one lives 3000 miles away and the two babies, 2&4 are in day care and when mom and dad are home, they want their time with them...what little time I do get with them, they are tired or sick I don't want to make this a spot where I can whine and complain...I just want to share my frustrations and look inward for ways to feel more complete as a wife, mother/grandmother and daughter....

Speaking of being a daughter...my mom is 8 weeks away from her 100th birthday and all I can do is pray to God that he not let her suffer and take her in her sleep. What kind of daughter prays for God to take her mother? She fell again this week and is in lots of pain...we don't know what to do to give her comfort...so I pray.